I am minorly (OK more than minorly) obsessed with toilet paper.  Whenever I enter a bathroom I check the toilet paper roll.  If it’s less than a quarter full, even if I’m going for a pee, I need to get another one to have on hand for emergencies.  Fairly often my bowels are like “oh we’re here?  OK!  Me too!  Me too!”.  I always carry tissues in my bag.  You never know.

When buying toilet paper, well, I used to be fussy.  Now I go for value, because I use SO MUCH.  Not all at once, because I’m paranoid about blocking the pipes, and our environmental issues scream in the back of my mind.  Side note: I used to work in a huge corporate office in the city.  A colleague once said to me that when she needs to have a poo, she literally drops it and flushes it so no one else can smell it (big toilet, many stalls).  Well that’s a good strategy except, what do I do with all the poo covered toilet paper that follows?  And of course I always have to go at peak times so someone is always waiting to come in……

One time a local store stocked 4 ply toilet paper and I thought “oooh” that sounds luxurious.  Not so good for the plumbing as I found out (another notch off the dignity scale when I had to explain to the landlord).

I’ve actually had people comment on the toilet paper consumption that occurs in places I either live or visit frequently.  What the F do you say to that?  It’s a weird reality when you find yourself in a conversation with someone about how you use toilet paper.  “Do you fold?”, “Do you scrunch it up?”, “I find four sheets is enough”, “Three or four wipes or you’ll block the toilet!”.  If I never have to have this conversation with ANYONE again in my life it will be too soon.  And, it’s always with someone who has normal bowels.  

It’s toilet paper.  Seriously just fuck off.

And again.  Fuck off.  What life lessons and I’m going to learn from this shit show?  Yep.  I’m super thankful.